There should be a Money back guarantee on watermelons
Summary
A straphanger has had enough of disappointing watermelons this summer. She proposes a money back guarantee on the notoriously unpredictable fruit, and Kareem is completely on board. The two bond over their shared confusion about what exactly everyone's looking for when they knock on watermelons at the grocery store. She admits she does it too but has no idea why. The texture issue is real: too dry, too sandy. Kareem actually likes sandy watermelons, which horrifies her. "It's not a sand melon," she points out. Her solution? Grocery stores need watermelon connoisseurs, like baristas for fruit, or maybe just show pictures of the inside before you buy. "You need to know what's inside before you start the relationship.
Full Transcript
So, what's your take? Money back guarantee on watermelon. Wow. 100%, 100% agree. 100% agree. No one ever talks about this.
Yes. I had so many disappointing moments this summer. Of course, in joyful expectation, carry the watermelon at home. Carry it like a baby. Like big, like knocking on that watermelon like a maniac in a supermarket. When you're knocking—yeah, what are you looking for?
Yeah, what exactly? No, no. I see old ladies, they slap it. Some of them slap it. I saw an old guy at the grocery store. He went like this and he slapped it and he goes and picked it up and took it home. Okay, we don't know what he's going to do with that. No, we don't. But then you see regular moms and you see dads and they go, you know, they inspect the knocking and then the hearing. And I have no idea why. They put it next to their ear.
No, it's like it's about the vibration or something inside of the watermelon. Do you do that? Well, I do it, but I don't know what am I doing.
So you, you, you give it this? I'm the one licking it.
Wow. No, I knock and then I pretend that I'm feeling something and then I carry it home in joyful expectation and then I open it up and then it's not good and then I cry and eat. And what do you mean by not good?
The texture is too dry. Like sandy. Exactly. I kind of like that when they're sandy.
You do? What's wrong with you? I don't know. It's a watermelon.
That is true. It is a watermelon. It's not a sand melon. All right. Somebody has to know what they're doing. I think there should be like a connoisseur, like an expertise, like a barista who's saying, "This is a good watermelon." But how the hell does that person know? Every watermelon is different, right? Or they show a picture of the inside of the watermelon like a dick pick. You know, you need to know. Did I say that?
You need to know what's inside before you purchasing. You just start the relationship. [Laughter]