Stop cosplaying vegan food as non vegan food
Summary
A fired-up straphanger tears into the world of vegan food naming conventions, declaring war on "buffalo cauliflower wings" and other menu imposters. She's sick of the gaslighting. If it's not a wing, don't call it one. It's cauliflower tossed in sauce, period. Kareem watches as she spirals through a rant connecting fake food names to her past vegan lifestyle, which apparently left her "light-skinned" from nutrient deficiency and crying seven days a week. She'd consider dating a vegan again, but only if he makes good money, since vegans apparently fall into two categories: wealthy or "really, really poor 'cause they have too many opinions." Her solution? Restaurants should either be honest or get creative, naming dishes something fun like "tax fraud." The passion is real, the sweat is visible, and the message is clear: stop the vegetable fraud.
Full Transcript
So, what's your take? Stop cosplaying vegan food as non-vegan food. 100% agree. If you're going to be a vegan, just be a vegan. Stop like gaslighting me into thinking that this vegan food is not actually what it is. Stop saying buffalo cauliflower wings. There's— they're not wings. It's a plant. Wait, they're not wings. They're not wings. They're nuggets. Not even that. That's— stop it. That's a cauliflower nugget. It's a cauliflower that is being a in a sauce.
Well, it's because it's cost $18. And now I'm upset. Just say what it is. Or alternative, be cute and funny. Call it like— or tax fraud. Call it tax fraud. Sure. Like give it like a quirky little name like you know.
What about bites? Buffalo cauliflower bites. Okay. Cauliflower is the size of a bite. So that's just kind of contradicting and it's making me mad. I don't like that. That is so ridiculous. And it's not a burger. It's a patty.
Yeah. I don't like that. It's a vegetable patty. Here's the thing. I've been gaslit by many, many, many people all the time. I get gaslit every day by the government, ex-boyfriends, my mom. I don't want it from my food. Sorry. Am I too passionate? I'm sweating.
No. Yeah. I want you to be passionate. So, would you ever date a vegan again? How much money does he make? Vegans make a lot of money, actually. They do. Vegans make a lot of money or they're really, really poor 'cause they have too many opinions. Vegans don't come for me. I used to be a vegan. I have a Black friend. Like, be cool. Be cool. But I think that's why like I feel this way. I live that lifestyle.
And you didn't like it? Well, you know, I think crying seven days a week is kind of crazy.
Crying? Yeah. Well, you don't have to cry to be a vegan.
Well, you cry when you're sad. And sometimes as a vegan, you, you're not the happiest 'cause you need calories. Yeah, I was light-skinned.
Wait, what? No, literally. I was a light-skinned woman.
You were like E.T. when he, when he's losing his nutrients and is dying. Are you talking about my wigs?
What? Okay. See, I don't like fraud. I don't like scams or schemes. That's why when it comes to like vegan chicken nuggets and all that weird stuff, I don't like that. Be real. Straight up. Give me— give me what it is. This is— this is— this is sauce tossed vegetables and a lie.