Our phones should never, ever make this sound
Summary
A straphanger thinks emergency alerts should only make that terrifying sound for one thing: incoming ballistic missiles. She's fed up with Amber Alerts and Silver Alerts using the same alarm as nuclear annihilation, suggesting different sounds for different threat levels. Maybe something casual for a missing person at a Target 300 miles away. Kareem compares it to how the New York Times delivers war headlines. The conversation spirals into a larger conspiracy theory about alerts breadcrumbing us into the Purge, Finnish people drinking by noon despite claiming to be the world's happiest country, and whether Norway would be a good place to hide during a global catastrophe. It wouldn't. They're sociopaths too.
Full Transcript
So, what's your take? Our phones should never ever make this sound.
That's an emergency sound. 100% disagree.
As somebody who lives in a perpetually hypervigilant state from nature and from nurture— [laughter] No, you don't like the emergency alert. It should only be used for one thing, which is that a ballistic missile is headed. Like, I'm sorry. There's nothing against Amber Alerts, Silver Alerts. Those are necessary, important things that have saved people's lives. That that is the same sound for someone an older person who is lost at a Target 300 miles from you and that half the country is about to be wiped out.
Do you think there's different sounds for different levels of threat? I think ballistic missile—that's the exact sound that you should be using. That's the only one.
But if it's like an Amber Silver Alert, I mean it could like, uh-oh, like it's something like— [laughter] Something like on the level that it should be.
Okay, I like this. 'Cause the New York Times, if the headline is war, do you know how they deliver to you? [laughter] That's the level it should be at. And then we all have to text each other about it.
Also, the news alerts have gotten crazy. I get like 11 alerts and I open it. It goes, "Marty Supreme biggest box office hit—" [laughter] "Breaking." Unless Marty Supreme is the name of a ballistic missile, I don't want to hear it. But I have a larger conspiracy about this actually, which is that I think that we're being breadcrumbed into the Purge. Like, eventually we will be in some sort of dystopian situation where like every day these things and they're going to be like, "Turn left, turn right," until you get to like the bunker. If there was a Purge, would you participate?
No, I would leave the country.
What if there were Purges all over the world? Well, I guess I'd just be in the country I like the most.
I'm going to Norway or Finland. No, they're socio.
They're socio. Finland is socio. I'm sorry. I don't mind being racist against Finnish people.
That's fine. You look Finnish to me. Second time I've been told that in my life. These people, they write that they are the happiest country in the world. They are drinking by noon. The sun is down. They do not speak to each other. And they say that they are literally the happiest people. That's why.
Yeah, I bet they don't get alerts. Unless it's for like, "Hey, your healthcare is here. It's free.